If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.