She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.