An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
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Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine