I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.