airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
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Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?