Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.