[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
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Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.