Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio