We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
kitchen magnet
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides