No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.