You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“