*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
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[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.