health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.