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America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was