On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I forgot how to panic. Help
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Beware…..
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell