I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
You Might Also Like
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
real
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls