I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
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My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The asteroid..
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
starting a garage orchestra
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“Huge”.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.