My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Yup.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.