[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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ok like just. call me at this point
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.