Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill