Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
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In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?