If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
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Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Don’t snitch tag.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.