They grow up so quick
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity