My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
You sure about that?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.