Siri: Retweet me.
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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Ion see the issue
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
True
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life