It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
The symmetry is uncanny.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…