“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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never compromise your values
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Midwest trash talk
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.