A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no