Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
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Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”