I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth