When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Nice try, poison.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move