To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?