GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
all that yoga finally paid off
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
You have been warned.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.