911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
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“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
This guy gets it.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.