6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
You Might Also Like
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Are these grass-fed oranges?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes