*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?