Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok