[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
You Might Also Like
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Your secret is safeish with me
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right