I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Breaking news:
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’