asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.