accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
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With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”