8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
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Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.