I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.