Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due