Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
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Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Morning my dudes.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.