I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
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*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.