Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
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Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’