“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name