Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Not messing around
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself