ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.